Saturday, August 17, 2013

Ridiculous Behavior

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I need someone to talk to. Someone who don't even know me. So that after I tell them what I feel then I just can run away and leaving all that behind. So I can smile again. Without hurting the people I love the most. But again, and again, and again... I did the same thing. If a woman usually have only one time of the month. Maybe sometimes I would have two times of the month. When everything around me becoming a complete mess, I can't handle it anymore, my mood changing, the closest person around me will become the victim of my ridiculous behavior. I hurt them in a mean way. So that I would see a reason why they should hates me and why they should leave me instead of loves me. Easier to say, I always trying to push away the people who close to me because in my mind keep thinking that I don't deserve all of that. What a psychotic thinking and emotion I have, huh?? Some people will say that " Ahh pengaruh drama lebih dia ni! ". Well I don't know if the root of these fucking hell things in me is because of that, but for me there will no drama about 'something' if that 'something' is not happening in the reality right..? Err if you know what I mean. Ha ha ha. But what I know is I always need to fight with the inner of myself. But sometimes it just getting unbearable and I need to let it go and after that yeahh I am fucking regret of what I've done. Like now. No matter how much my heart my mind said I don't want to hurt him but ended up like this. I do remember once ago in my high school. I did the same thing. I push away my closest friends. Fatin Nur Ain.. Oney,Ummu,Jannah,Mia.. But Alhamdulillah they remain as my closest friends until now even after what had happened. That's why I said they are really my true friends in my life. Thank you girls! But there's only a little number who could stand with my freaking attitude. And I don't know if you could be one of them. Others will say that I got no trust with the person I love. Well my answer is you are fucking wrong. Because the truth is I got no trust in me, with my own self. If you want to find a bunch of people who got the very low self-esteem, maybe I am one of them. Ha ha ha. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve that. Ohoiii penat kottt ada super duper mental breakdown macam ni!! T________T 


I know I hurt you so bad. I do really want to apologize. But there's somebody told me that you deserve someone better than me. Why am I this pathetic?? I just don't know. I'm too afraid to be loved like this. Because I'm afraid if one day I'm gonna lose it, I can't face it. I'm too protecting myself from being hurt again. But I know it will have no end for all of this if I'm still like this. I'm too helpless.*sigh*



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